perhaps it's the loss of weight
or the waves of nausea
maybe even the sudden detachment
that is slowing me down.

i feel horrible.
in my very core i can feel it.
i've changed,
not even for myself.

i changed for him.

i was a willing sacrifice though
for i did not lose myself to this
instead i grew,
aged,
matured,
however you want to put it.

i'm selfish
and neurotic.
i'm narcissistic
and vain.
my ego is exponentially larger than my body,
but so is my heart.

all my vanities have been minimized
with the exception of my heart
which is bruised,
beating and throbbing
with every pulse.

my ego is smaller,
my neurotic mind
is riddled with
'what if's and 'what did i do's,
my narcissism has become
a defense
since the blow to my ego
and pride occurred.
my looks are secure
as are my mind
and body.

it's the emotions i can't keep in check.
i am miserable
and i feel powerless
to do anything
that could possibly change this.

i'm the only one who can fix this,
but i'm too tired to do it
"just one more time."